Broken
by Seamok
Summary: Prequel to Red Tears. A story on Rei's self-discovery.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion belongs to Gainax. I make no profit by writing this fiction. All ideas in this story are my own; similarities with other fictions are purely coincidental.

Author's note: This is a prequel to Red Tears. Broken is a story on Rei's self-discovery. English is not my first language. Warning for mild violence and sexual content.

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**Red Tears: Broken**

Chapter 1

The clanking sound broke the silence in the dimly lit room,signalling the beginning of the daily construction outside the apartment. It was a substitution to an old, worn out alarm clock sitting boringly on the study table. Filthy dirt lay across the floor like a grey layer of skin. The moulds eaten walls shrouded what had once been a smooth surface. Sunlight was something rarely welcomed in this room and the thick musty curtain hanging down the window made sure of that.

Each resonating sound disturbed a peaceful heartbeat of the room's only occupant, heightening the level of irritation gradually until her eyes were forced opened. She sat up straight, her eyelids feeling heavy and her muscles feeling numb. Slowly, she pulled off her thin blanket and got off the limp mattress onto the cold morning floor.

It was another normal day…

Ayanami Rei was a simple girl living a complicated life. To be more precise, her mind was simple beyond words, and her life was complicated beyond sentences. She walked towards the washroom with her head facing straight, seemingly unconcerned by her surroundings. This had always been the case. To her, the path had been laid before her; she would do what was necessary and fulfil her purpose.

"Who are you?" She asked the girl staring back at her from the mirror. It was something she would do each morning, although she never understood why. The words just felt right. The question was simple, but the girl in the mirror had never given her an answer. She would just stand there looking back at her blankly.

Figuring that she would not receive a response, she turned away and carefully changed into her school uniform. Her eyes fell on the pair of glasses on the table as she finished tying her ribbon. She picked the object up and held it to her nose, inhaling the metallic scent before putting it back. It reminded her of the commander, of how he had created her and saved her before. He cared about her, and so she must do whatever he told her to. It was simple logic.

Rei gently put the cracked glasses down and grabbed the bottle sitting next to it. She shook a little reddish orange pill out and put it into her mouth. Her other hand reached up for the beaker. She pressed it against her lips and swallowed the pill together with a mouthful of water. It was just daily routine.

The pills were just something required for her to maintain her AT-field, her life. And the commander gave them to her. She had to feel grateful. Reminding herself one last time, Rei left her apartment into the day outside.

Unknown to most other people, Rei enjoyed the sun although it was only a subconscious feeling. It seemed to be an escape from her cold and empty life, although she had never allowed herself to further explore this emotion. All she knew was emotions were unnecessary, and thus not worth her time and effort. Her pale skin brightened even more as the sunlight reflected off it.

Pale skin was considered beautiful in her country, but no one had ever complimented her for it. Her walk to the school was uneventful, as it always had been. The quiet girl had never drawn attention to herself. Not even the perverted thugs living around her neighbourhood cared to cast her a second look, because apart from her unusual hair and eye colour, Rei was simply a plain looking girl. Life outside NERV was always quiet.

It was quiet until she reached the school…

"Look! It's that Ayanami girl!"

"Dear lord! Her hair is even messier than yesterday!"

"Maybe she got busy last night!"

"Her?! Haha Asuka would sleep with Aida before that happened!"

Gossip was common in her school, but it was amazing how a quiet girl like her could become the topic of the blabbering girls. The voices had never gone unnoticed. Rei heard most of what they said. After all, it was hard not to notice since they gossiped about her as if she wasn't even in the same room. Rei knew she was classified as a loser by her classmates, but she didn't care.

She sat down at her table and stared out of the window. Her washed out reflection on the glass looked back at her.

"Who are you?" She asked again, not expecting to elicit an answer. Her eyes left her own image and rolled upwards to meet the reflection of the class rep. Hikari was standing just beside her table with a pile of papers in her arms.

"Ayanami, you left class early yesterday, so I've picked up your assignments for you." She said, trying to sound cheerful, as she put the papers down on the table. "Here it is."

Rei slowly redirected her gaze back to the fields outside. It was a bright day and she had a clear view of the mountains. But the clouds looked heavy in the not so distant sky. Birds were flying away from that direction. The school was rapidly filling up in the last five minutes before the bell would ring. Noises were getting louder and disturbing her thoughts, but at least they were no longer talking about her.

It was when she turned around that she noticed Hikari still standing beside her. She shifted her balance from one foot to the other and looked at Rei nervously. The blue haired girl felt something stirring up inside her. She felt an urge to ask the question why. But she kept quiet and stared at the class rep.

"You know, I probably don't need to tell you this, but Ayanami, just ignore what the girls were saying, all right?" Hikari said before quickly turning away and walked back to her seat. It wasn't the first time the she had tried to console Rei, but the blue haired girl simply assumed that she was just fulfilling her duty as a class representative.

The class went on as usual. The few hardworking students were furiously jotting down notes; the rest were either dossing off or exercising their typing skills with instant messengers. It was history class. The subject was full of stories Rei didn't understand. So instead, she took out her mathematics textbook and started doing her assignments. To Rei, solving problems with logic was more satisfying.

Her concentration was broken when a message appeared on her laptop. The quiet girl stared at the screen; it was very rare for anyone to send her a message, and almost all her messages had had something to do with NERV. She let her hand glide over the table and press a button to read what was written.

_Dear all,_

_Next Friday is my birthday. There will be a party at my apartment. Come at __7pm.__ Bring food (and presents). All are invited._

_Except Ayanami._

_Miaka_

A wave of laughter swept across the classroom as her other classmates saw what was written on their screens. Miaka was a beautiful blonde and one of the girls who liked to tease her. Rei turned off the screen and returned to her homework.

The moody looking clouds were now hanging directly on top of the city. A chill wind had risen. The class was now washed by a dull grey and the teacher had to switch on the lights for the students to read properly. The atmosphere in the class was somehow dampened and the bickering died out over time. Rei continued to drown herself in math. It was fascinating; she never had to ask the question why. All of them were logical questions. Rei had nearly finished when the school bell rang. It was time for lunch.

Rei's actions were almost robotic. It looked as if she had been trained to follow the sequence. She put away her books neatly; stood up; zipped her bag closed; pushed the chair under the table and walked towards the cafeteria staring straight ahead. It was remarkable how she didn't manage to bump into someone walking from beside her. A few of her classmates laughed again before the class rep silenced them.

Lunch was almost always the same. The kitchen staff didn't seem to put much effort into preparing vegetarian food. Rei paid for her food and sat down at the corner of a long table. There was a window right next to her seat. As she ate, she stared out to the rain. Droplets of water hit the glass continuously, creating a popping noise.

The blue haired girl was disturbed when a male voice spoke to her.

"Do you mind if I sit here?" He asked. Rei looked up and saw that it was Shinji. She took another bite and returned to the window, seemingly unaware that Shinji was there. Nevertheless, the boy took it as a no and sat down opposite her. Both of them ate quietly.

But the peace was not meant to last long. A few minutes later, Toji and Kensuke joined the table without asking Rei. They started talking to Shinji and soon afterwards, Hikari managed to drag Asuka to the table. It became very noisy all of a sudden, with the red head being exceptionally loud. She was bragging about how she had single-handedly destroyed Angels, and how the other two pilots wouldn't have survived if it wasn't for her brilliant battle plans. Only Kensuke was slightly interested, but Hikari was putting in occasional "oohs" and "aahs" to support her friend.

Rei paid no attention to any of them. Her mind was wondering why Shinji had chosen to sit beside her this day. The rest of her tablemates were not questioned, however. She knew they followed Shinji wherever he went.

Her eyes fell on Shinji. There was a disgusted look on his face. It was slightly reddened and looked as if something sick had happened. Although this could have been her imagination, for when Shinji's eyes met hers, his lips curved upwards and a warm smile appeared on his gentle face. Rei was not fazed. She stood up and left the table without a word. She had finished her lunch and there was no point in staying.

The rest of the school went on casually with the sounds of the rain blurring the teachers' various speeches. Rei finished her homework quietly and took out a red notebook from her pocket. She flipped a few pages before stopping. The little book recorded all her schedules and she would often check it to make sure she didn't miss any appointments. There was nothing for her that evening. She could go home and rest.

The walk back to her apartment was wet. The rain had not stopped and as a result, her clothes were dampened. They were glued to her body like a second layer of skin. Her blue locks plastered on her face. There was water inside her shoes and her socks felt very uncomfortable. Nevertheless, Rei didn't bother increasing her speed. She simply moved on as if it was a sunny day, until someone stopped her.

"Ayanami! Ayanami!" A familiar voice called from behind. The boy quickly caught up and was standing beside her in a short moment. The rain suddenly seemed to have stopped. Rei looked up. Shinji's umbrella had shielded her from the water droplets. "I thought you would need this."

"No." She replied simply before continuing her walk, but Shinji was walking beside her. Together, they shared an umbrella. The two children went on silently. The only noise they could hear was the splashing sound of the rain hitting the road.

"I told you I do not need the umbrella." Rei broke the silence.

Shinji stopped when he heard her. He stood there stunned, as Rei walked away from him into the rain once again.

The world felt lonely and spent. The droplets hitting on her shoulder seemed to get heavier. Some malfunctioning street lamps twinkled in the distance. Her cheap bag was now thoroughly wet and most likely her assignments as well. Rei wanted to get back home as fast as she could. She might have to redo her homework.

During the next few days, Rei's time was spent doing synch tests and bathing in LCL. It wasn't until the weekend that she started thinking about what had happened that day. She had turned Shinji away. But why had Shinji been acting so strangely that day? First, he had sat beside her during lunch. Then he had offered to share his umbrella with her.

The pale girl lay on the bed with her eyes closed. So many questions were floating in her mind; there were so many things she didn't understand. It had been cold walking alone in the rain. When the boy had turned up, there had been a slight touch of warmth, both on the inside and out. It had felt agreeable. But she had turned him away. Why?

Unable to find an answer, Rei chose to ignore it. The bottle which used to store her pills was now empty. The commander would visit her tonight and she needed to get some sleep. The sessions with him were never pleasant, but she had to do what she had to do. The commander had created her and she owed him her life. She would do whatever she was told and fulfilled her destiny. It was as simple as that.

As expected, the commander came that night. He didn't bother knocking on the door. Rei didn't mind. His footsteps were heavy but not rushed. The commander went on with his business as usual. His kisses felt rough and lusty; his big hands were strong; and then there was the familiar sharp pain. The girl had never enjoyed it, but the man's scarred hand reminded her of who she belonged to. She endured the experience.

He always spent the night sleeping on her bed after the sessions. His hands were around her naked body as he mumbled the name of his late wife in the sleep. But tonight something different happened. When Rei looked up at the bearded man, she was reminded of his son.

The commander put a new bottle of pills on her table before he left the following morning.

"Rei, you can have today off. Come to the headquarters tomorrow night at 2100. There will be a synch test." The commander said before going.

"Yes sir." Rei replied, still lying naked on the bed. She struggled slightly to get up and wash herself in the shower. She didn't like the sticky feeling inside her. Trying to clear them up was a painful experience but she didn't let it bother her. Slowly and carefully, she dried herself with an old towel and got dressed into her school uniform. Before she left, Rei swallowed another pill.

It was another normal day.

Walking to school was more difficult today. Rei felt a stinging pain between her legs but she moved on. That was no excuse for missing school. It was made even worse by the rain. Rei didn't bother running. Even if she wanted to, she wouldn't be able to do so.

By the time she arrived at school, Rei was soaking wet again. She saw some of the male students making obscene gestures and heard them whistling shamelessly at her. As she walked towards her classroom, she could hear the female students gossiping about her again. It was nothing unusual. So Rei didn't pay them any attention.

She sat down on her chair, rested her head on her palm and stared out of the window. She had never thought about why she seemed to do it so often.

"Ayanami." A gentle voice woke her up from the trance. She recognised it as Shinji's. "Ayanami…you're all wet."

Rei didn't bother giving an answer. It was obvious to anyone that she was wet. Shinji's words had no purpose at all. That was before the thin boy handed her a school uniform.

"Here, take this." He said as he put the uniform on her table. It was a female set. "I knew you don't have an umbrella, and that you would get wet. So…so I borrowed this uniform from Asuka."

Rei stared at the pile of clothes and then at Shinji. There was a tinkling sensation inside her. Despite the cold weather, she felt as if she was heating up. She had never thought about anyone doing something this simple for her, and that something this simple could stir up the pleasant feeling she felt within. Why was Shinji so thoughtful? She had turned him away that day, but it didn't seem to have bothered him.

The drenched girl stood up and left the classroom with the dry uniform Shinji had provided her. She proceeded to the washroom and got changed. The clothes seemed too big for her, especially on the chest and the hips. It felt loose but overall it was comfortable.

When she returned to the classroom, several female students snickered. Her eyes caught Shinji smiling and once again she felt that she was heating up. It felt really nice. She wanted to smile back at Shinji but someone stopped her on the track.

"So, how was last night?" Miaka asked her loudly, drawing the attention of the whole class.

Rei just stood there quietly.

"I asked you." Miaka asked even louder. "How was last night?" She made exaggerated gestures with both her hands as if she was talking to a person who had difficulties understanding her language. Her gang of friends laughed. By this time, all the students in the classroom had stopped whatever they had been doing and stared curiously at Rei and Miaka.

"I do not understand." Rei said quietly.

"Don't play dumb with me." Miaka replied. "The way you're walking. You got busy last night, didn't you? So who was it?"

Rei tried to walk past her but was blocked by her friends. "Please. I wish to return to my seat." She said, but Miaka ignored her.

"So was it Aida the pig? Or was it Suzuhara the ass?" Miaka continued with her rude remarks.

"HEY!!!" Toji and Kensuke yelled from the back.

The situation felt strange for Rei. She had been insulted before but not in such manner. There was a flicker of fire inside her stomach, and it seemed to be growing. She didn't want her affairs with the commander to be found out either. Miaka was about to open her mouth again when Shinji stood in between her and Rei.

"Stop being so rude, Miaka." He said with a frown on his face. Miaka seemed surprised and disappointed. But she stood her ground defiantly.

"There is nothing that needs to be said. Everyone here can see how she walks." She grinned. Shinji held his arms out protectively in front of Rei. The three of them stood there staring at each other before Hikari shouted for them to return to their seats. The teacher came in shortly after.

School was unusually tense this day. Rei felt different. She didn't understand why Shinji had protected her a little while ago. The blue haired girl cast a look at the boy. He saw her and smiled back. Upon seeing this, Rei had a very unusual urge to do something. She wanted to smile back. But before she could do that, the bell rang and it was lunchbreak. Once again, Rei was unable to come out with an answer. It served nothing for her purpose and she should just forget about it.

However, she decided not to go to the cafeteria. Rei was afraid that other schoolmates would start noticing her gait and she didn't want people to start another situation similar to what Miaka had done. Her stomach let out a soft growl. Rei took out her water bottle and took a few sips. She then rested her head on the table and fell asleep. Her body was still tired from the events of last night.

It was a dreamless sleep. She was woken up by a few gentle pushes on her shoulder. Rei opened her eyes and saw Shinji. The brown haired boy was carrying a container with a few pieces of sushi inside it.

"Sorry to wake you up, Ayanami, but lunchbreak is almost over and I…I heard your stomach making sounds…" He blushed as he said this. "Here," he said and held out the container, "would you like some of these?"

"No." Rei said. Shinji's face fell. The flicker of light inside his eyes vanished in an instant.

"Ok…if you need anything, just let me know." Shinji was about to get up and leave before Rei stopped him.

"I changed my mind. I would like some…please…" It was hard saying the word please, but Rei felt like saying it. The word seemed appropriate. Shinji's face lit up immediately as he sat back down on the chair beside hers.

"Here, take as much as you want. There is no meat in there." He said a bit too enthusiastically.

Rei picked up a piece and took a bite. It tasted very nice. Her salivation and appetite suddenly increased with the brilliant taste. She swallowed the remaining of the piece before digging in to take out another one.

"Do you like it?" Shinji asked hopefully.

"Yes I do." Rei gave a simple answer before deciding to add, "Very much."

Shinji beamed at her answer. "I made them myself."

Something hot stirred inside Rei again. It was not uncomfortable. Instead, it was very pleasant. She felt warm. It was amazing how simple things could give this kind of feelings; and it was amazing how Shinji was willing to do simple things for her without asking for anything back. She looked into his eyes. They were sincere and caring. It was new to her, but she found herself wondering why she had never felt this way, and wishing that she would be able to experience it more often.

Rei smiled and mouthed the words, "Thank you."

She just let it out naturally. It felt right.

"Y-you're welcome," Shinji stared at her with wide eyes before he pushed the container towards her hand. "Here! Have some more!" He suddenly felt really happy.

Before Rei could take another piece out, a very loud voice boomed across the classroom, temporarily deafening her.

"BAKA SHINJI!!!" Asuka came storming towards them. "You gave her MY lunch?!?!"

"A-Asuka listen to me!" Shinji tried to explain but the words came out like bubbles. In other words, no one could understand what he was saying.

"First MY uniform! And now MY lunch?!?!" Asuka made sure she emphasized the word "my". She snatched the container away from Rei, picked up a piece and put it in her mouth.

"Please Asuka, she's hungry." Shinji pleaded.

Asuka's eyes darted from Shinji to Rei, and then from Rei to Shinji. She stood there for a moment, raising her eyebrow and putting up a suspicious look on her face. Finally she sat down and put the container back on the table. "I didn't say I wouldn't share."

"Thank you," Shinji said feeling relieved. Asuka didn't mind sharing. After all, she didn't prepare the sushi herself. Shinji did it for her.

The two girls ate silently. Asuka continued to sweep looks between the brown haired boy and the blue haired girl. She felt that something fishy was going on. Asuka didn't miss the earlier incident when Shinji had tried to protect Rei from Miaka. Tension was growing. Shinji was sweating more heavily with each passing minute. Rei was surprised by the Second Child's willingness to share. Strange things had been going on lately. Without any question, she took the last piece and swallowed it with a gulp.

Asuka's mouth widened at Rei's action. That was her sushi and it was rude for Rei to do that.

"Thank you, Sohryu," Rei said. She was still feeling funny from Shinji's kindness, "for the uniform and the sushi."

Asuka's mouth widened even more, the piece of sushi fell from her mouth and hit the ground with a splat. Rei had never called her by her name before. Shinji's smile broadened. Before anyone could say anything, a blonde girl came and sat on the table.

"So, Shinji, are you coming to the birthday party?" Miaka asked faking a sweet voice.

Shinji glared at her, "only if Ayanami is coming."

Miaka stared at him, "Why?!"

Shinji kept quiet while Miaka's eyes gradually grew larger until it looked as if they were going to fall out of their sockets. She gritted her teeth and shot an angry glare at Rei, who was feeling as surprised as she was about Shinji's response. The blonde clenched her fists tightly as her face twisted into a dark look.

"Are you sure about that?" She pressed on, hoping that Shinji would change his mind. The boy gave no response. He didn't even look at her. His eyes were fixed on Rei. "Loser," Miaka scolded as she finally gave up and turned to Asuka, "You're coming, aren't you?"

"Of cour-" The red head blurted out but stopped halfway. Her eyes darted left and right before she continued, "No, sorry Miaka. I've got a date with Kaji on Friday."

"What?! B-but you told me that man had left the country for the week!" Miaka almost shouted. She had a shocked look on her face and her hands were trembling slightly. It wasn't hard to figure out why. Asuka was considered the most beautiful girl in school. Her presence alone would draw a lot of male students to the party. Miaka, although attractive, was no where near as popular as the red haired beauty.

"Oh that. Sorry, a slip of the tongue." She grabbed Shinji's hand before she continued, "actually, I'm going out with Shinji on Friday night." Her sentence was spoken out in a very natural and smooth way. No one would have figured out it was a lie if Shinji had not suddenly started talking bubbles again. Rei was still confused.

Miaka shot all three of them a dark look, "you're all going to regret this." She then stormed away cursing under her breath.

Soon afterwards, the bell rang. Asuka and Shinji returned to their respective seats. Class went on as if nothing had happened. The old skinny teacher had never been interested in the students' affairs before, and would never be. His speeches bore into the minds of the students and soon, none of them were paying any attention. Rei was still feeling confused.

All of a sudden, she felt as if a little pillar had been erected inside her, supporting her and giving her a kind tenderness which she had never experienced before. She had never even thought that such emotions existed. Both Shinji and Asuka had rejected Miaka's invitation. The voice inside her kept telling her that she didn't hate Miaka, and that whatever the other two pilots did had nothing to do with her purpose.

Yes she could not deny there was sparkling warmth inside her heart. It felt pleasant and she wanted the feeling to continue. She put her palm over her chest but could feel no abnormal change in temperature. Rei didn't understand how this could be possible.

What made her even more confused was the heavy lump which seemed stuck somewhere in the back of her throat. Unlike the warmth, this didn't feel good at all. It gave a dull, weary sensation and seemed to be trying to pull a piece of her body away from her. Rei tried not to think about it, but she failed miserably as she found herself wondering about the many questions floating on her mind.

Shinji didn't talk to her for the rest of the day. After school ended, Rei walked home quietly. It had become a sunny day. Rei liked the sun, but this time there was an odd desire coursing through her body. It was as if she had wanted it to rain, although she couldn't figure out why.

Rain would make her wet and damage her homework. It made her apartment cold and it was hard to fall asleep during cold weathers, but why was she hoping that it would rain? Maybe if it started raining, Shinji would bring her an umbrella. Rei thought of the absurd explanation as she reached her apartment. There was no logic in that answer. But then again, logic had not been able to solve any of her questions earlier that afternoon when she had tried to apply it.

She sat down on her bed. Her delicate fingers reached upwards to feel for the lump around her neck, but she didn't manage to touch it. There was a boring sensation radiating from the lump. The girl stared at the seconds as they ticked away on her clock. Rei felt an unusual desire to get up and do something. For the first time, she was aware of her linear life. It was too sudden for her. She hated changes, but Shinji had showed her what it felt like to be cared for.

But Shinji and Asuka were going to date. Was that the reason for the lump she felt in her throat? Rei had never been interested in other student's private relationship, but somehow knowing that her fellow pilots were dating had bothered her. The quiet girl lay down on her bed and stared at the ceiling.

Hours passed by. The orange light of sunset was soon replaced by a black curtain. The room was barely visible with rays of silvery moonlight cruising through. Still, Rei lay on her bed until she heard her front door creak open and close. This was followed by heavy footsteps and lusty breaths. Rei knew who it was.

The commander had another session with her that night. It had taken a little longer than usual, but Rei had already gotten used to that a long time ago. The bearded man stood up after he was done.

"I have an appointment tonight. Take a rest and sleep well." He said as he put on his clothes.

The last part of his sentence prompted another unfamiliar emotion inside the quiet girl. Did the commander truly care for her? He had created her and helped her maintain her life by giving her the pills. The commander decided her destiny. He needed her and he expected her to obey him. But did the commander truly care for her? He saved her, burning his hands in the process. Rei had never questioned his intentions. To her, it had always been a simple matter of subordination. Yet she couldn't help but realise that despite what she had been told, Rei had never liked the commander. She had never felt grateful towards him.

Rei had never felt grateful towards the commander in the way she felt towards Shinji. The commander did things for her, and he wanted something back; Shinji did things for her, but he had never asked for anything. When Rei smiled for the commander, it was something similar to following an order; but when she smiled for Shinji, it was something which came right out of her heart.

"Sir, may I ask you some questions?" Rei asked before the commander left.

"What?" He said harshly.

"I feel emotions building up in me. I wish to understand them." Rei replied.

"They are unnecessary. Concentrate on your purpose." He said with a cold, hard voice.

"Yes sir," She said. Although she had hoped for the commander to explain them properly to her, Rei didn't dare to push it any further. His answer was absolute. Her creator marched away towards the door, leaving Rei on the bed. Before he left, he paused and turned back to her.

"Just do as I say. Your day will come very soon," he said before leaving. "Forget about the emotions." The door slammed shut. The room was once again silent.

Rei lay back down on her bed. Despite being exhausted, her breaths were still smooth and gentle. The pain between her legs didn't seem to be affecting her. The commander had always avoided similar questions. He had always told her to ignore her own emotions, but for the first time, Rei felt unsatisfied by his answers. She had a burning desire to know.

Things had been changing since Shinji had come to the city. The world didn't seem as dim as it once had. Synch tests didn't seem to be as tiring as before; school seemed to be more educational than she had previously thought. The little things Shinji had done for her started creeping out of the locked chamber in her mind.

Shinji piloted for her during the third angel; she had protected him during the fifth angel and in return, he had burnt his hands trying to open her entry plug; he had asked for her to smile; Shinji had shielded her when Asuka was trying to bully her; they had managed to achieve perfect synchronisation during the eighth angel; he had cleaned her apartment for her and taken care of her hand when she had accidentally burnt it.

They were all insignificant things, but suddenly they had meant so much to her.

If Shinji hadn't shown her a way, she would still not have discovered the hidden feelings inside. She wanted to explore them, to get to know them, to understand them. But who could she turn to for help? Shinji was the one who had started the emotions.

Maybe Shinji could give her answers. Rei reminded herself as she drifted off to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

It was dark on the following morning. There was very little sunlight and the usual clanking noise was absent. If it wasn't for the fact that her life had always been robotic, Rei wouldn't have been able to wake up on time. She still felt tired, but she forced herself to get washed and changed into her school uniform. She had something important to do at school this day.

The sky was a dull grey and it looked heavy. The clouds seemed to have moulded together, creating a hypnotizing mood among the people on the streets. It was extremely chilly with the cold wind stinging her pale skin. The branches on the trees danced with the wind as petals of floating leaves decorated the air.

Rei was having difficulties walking to school. Not only did it feel painful, it was also very cold and windy. Her legs trembled as the wind threatened to knock her thin frame to the ground. Her already messy hair was blown into a new level of disarray. She felt sick and dizzy. There was also an urge to vomit out the sandwich she had eaten for breakfast.

It got worse when a car started following her as she walked and kept beeping at her. The girl had always been convinced that not even thugs would find her attractive enough to be their target. She kept on walking trying to ignore them.

"Ayanami! Ayanami!" A small voice called out. The gushing sound of the wind made it impossible to tell who it was. Rei turned around and spotted the blue car following her. A window at the back seat had been rolled down and a brown haired boy was calling her name from the inside.

"Ayanami! Would you like a ride?" Shinji called out again. There was still a long walk ahead and Rei knew she would struggle to get to school. Besides, she had something she wanted to ask Shinji.

Without giving a verbal response, she walked towards the car. Shinji opened the back door for her and motioned her to climb in. Once inside the car, Rei shut the door and Misato sped up the engine.

"Good morning Rei," Misato chirped. She always seemed to be in good mood no matter the circumstances. Not even the horrible weather outside could do anything to displease her.

"Good morning major," Rei greeted back.

"You have a synch test tonight, don't you?" Misato asked.

"Yes major," Rei answered flatly.

"Don't call me major. This isn't the workplace. Call me Misato," The purple haired lady said.

"Yes Misato," Rei replied automatically. Before Misato could say anything else, Asuka, who was sitting at the shotgun, interrupted the conversation.

"She wants you to call her major. Since when has this arrogant witch been so modest?" The red head said sarcastically. Immediately, a verbal fight erupted between her and the driver.

Rei didn't mind, however. It gave her a chance to look at Shinji. The boy was looking out of the window. The quiet girl continued to stare at his back until she noticed that his ears had suddenly become very red. Shinji had caught Rei staring at him from the reflection on the window. Neither spoke until they reached school.

As usual, Asuka ran to class without waiting, leaving Shinji and Rei alone. Both walked silently up the corridors, watching students hurrying back to their classrooms as the bell rang.

"Ikari-kun," Rei broke the silence at last, "I wish to talk to you after school."

Shinji glanced at her curiously. The boy couldn't think of what she would want to talk about since it was very rare for her to start a conversation willingly."All right," he said, "what do you want to talk about?"

Rei hung her head low as if trying to think of something which had deep meanings. When she finally looked up, she said, "I wish to have a private conversation. Could you meet me on the roof after school?"

The boy stared at her some more. Talking with Rei had never been an easy thing to do. Most of the time, it was hard to even get a response from her, but Shinji welcomed her request. Deep inside he had always wanted to understand the quiet girl. He had always felt a special bond with Rei, something so special that it could not be put into words. And he was glad that Rei had asked him for a private conversation.

"All right, see you then," he said before both of them walked into the classroom.

The lessons seemed to be going on very slowly today. Everything looked as if it was done in slow motion. Speeches were exceptionally boring. The gossip was a long distance away from her world. Even the electric fan hanging on the ceiling was spinning in a much slower speed than usual. There was a nagging sensation inside her chest. Rei didn't understand the feeling, but she knew she was waiting eagerly for the class to end. She wanted to speak to Shinji.

She felt somewhat disappointed by her lunch. Rei had a vegetarian sandwich, as she normally did, but the food this afternoon was unsatisfactory. It left a bitter taste under her tongue. She took a few sips from her water bottle. Her mind drifted off to the sushi Shinji had offered her just a day ago. Was she missing the food?

Shinji was sitting together with his usual group of friends. Asuka seemed to be very friendly with him. Rei watched from a distance as they talked and laughed. Instead of staring out of the window, she was finding them very interesting. Rei suddenly became aware that she was sitting alone at her table. She had never felt this way before. It felt cold. It was as if she was isolated. Was she missing the food? Or was she missing Shinji?

Rei was about to leave her seat when a hand pushed her back down. Three girls popped onto the seats around her table. Sitting opposite her was the blonde girl called Miaka.

"Feeling a little lonely, aren't we?" She snickered as her two other friends held Rei's hands firmly on the table.

"Let me go," Rei said. There wasn't any trace of fear in her voice, which made Miaka even angrier. The blonde made a signal towards the direction of Shinji with her eyes.

"Missing your hero already?" She said faking her sweet voice again. When Rei gave no response, she added, "stop dreaming Barbie, he'll never have his eyes on you. He has Asuka." The last part of the sentence was said maliciously. "The two of them are dating. They're in love."

Rei felt a hint of sour as she heard Miaka say this. She still didn't understand why she was feeling this way. "Please let go of me."

"Sure we will," Miaka replied, "after we play a little game. After all, we don't want you to feel lonely, do we?" She took out a needle from her pocket. Her two friends tightened their grips on Rei.

The blonde pushed the needle into the tip of Rei's index finger, eliciting a sharp pain. The quiet girl's body cringed and she tried to pull away, but the grips were too strong for her. A tickle of blood seeped out of her wound as Miaka pulled out the needle.

"One down, nine more to go," the blonde grinned as she pushed the needle into another finger. Rei looked towards Shinji's direction. The boy was sitting with his back facing her and talking animatedly with Asuka. Rei felt helpless. It was another new sensation. She tried to call for help but the words wouldn't come out.

"Two down, eight more to go," Miaka went on with her sick game. The pain was nothing compared to her sessions with the commander, but her tolerance had somehow been lowered. Nevertheless, she didn't let the pain show on her face. Her red eyes stared into Miaka as the temperature inside her began to rise. She felt angry, another new sensation.

By the time Miaka finished with her left hand, her fingers had become numb. She looked towards Shinji's direction again. Kensuke had somehow noticed her and pointed her to Shinji. The later turned around and looked at Rei curiously.

"Seven down, only three more to go," Miaka said as she drew blood from the seventh finger. Shinji had stood up and started walking over to their table. Kensuke and Toji followed him closely behind. Rei's once delicate fingers were now swollen and bloody.

"Eight down, only two more to go," She was about to prick another finger when Shinji's voice stopped her.

"What are you doing?! Stop that!!" He pushed away the two girls holding Rei. The boy then took her hands gently and looked at her fingers. His eyes widened in horror. Shinji glared at the three girls; his fists were rapidly clenching and unclenching. Rei just stood there passively. Shinji's hands felt comfortable holding hers like that.

Toji and Kensuke were too shocked to do anything. Hikari and Asuka had left their table and were heading towards them. Miaka faked an innocent look and said with her disturbingly sweet voice, "Aw what did I do? I'm innocent!" She pouted her lips.

All the three boys looked at her feeling disgusted. Asuka saw Rei's fingers and then cast a glance at Miaka and her two friends. Hikari drew a sharp breath when she saw what had happened. The class rep turned towards the blonde and said, "That was sick. You're coming with me to the disciplinary office." With that, she grabbed Miaka's wrist and dragged her away, with Toji and Kensuke each taking one of her friends.

"Ayanami, come on, we need to get you to the infirmary." Shinji said as he pulled Rei towards the other direction. Asuka didn't know who to follow. She looked at Shinji's direction, and then at Hikari's direction, and finally decided to return to her table and continued her lunch. She didn't want any business with the disciplinary office and she somehow had the feeling that Rei and Shinji would prefer to be left alone.

Although her fingers were painful, there was a nice warm feeling inside Rei's body. Shinji was holding both her hands gently as he guided her to the infirmary. His hands felt soft and smooth despite having to do most of the chores at Misato's apartment. His feminine eyebrows were drawn closely together and his jaw was trembling.

When they reached their destination, the blood had already dried off. Shinji informed the nurse of what had happened. She let Rei sit down before starting to clean her wounds and apply anti-septics. The nurse was being gentle. She had never seen Rei at the infirmary before, so in her mind the blue haired girl wasn't someone who would get into trouble intentionally.

Rei watched curiously as the nurse tended to her wounds. It was stinging but she had felt worse pain before. The girl had a detached expression on her face, but she felt nervous on the inside. Dr Akagi had never been this gentle with her injuries before, and she had thought the blonde scientist was the best medical profession in the world. For the first time, she was paying attention to people outside the Nerv headquarters.

The ringing phone interrupted them. The nurse walked away to answer it while Shinji sat down beside Rei and looked at her with a concerned face. When Rei's eyes met his, he quickly looked away and stared at the bottles of medicine on the table.

"Why aren't you in class?" Rei asked with her usual soft voice. The school bell had rung a little while ago, meaning that afternoon classes had started. She was finding it strange for Shinji to remain by her side. All he had been doing was standing there looking at her. It had served no purpose at all.

"Oh, I'm just worried about you." Shinji replied casually.

"You're…you're worried about me?" Rei asked as though it was a very amazing thing to do.

"Yes. I can catch up with my work later. You don't have to worry about me." He said.

"But you're worried about me. Shouldn't I be worrying about you as well?" The girl asked.

Shinji tried to reply, but could find no suitable words. Rei was right in a sense. So Shinji just smiled and nodded his head. The nurse returned soon after.

"It was from the disciplinary office. I have to provide a medical record afterwards." She said before leaning close to Rei and added reassuringly, "that little witch will not go unpunished, I assure you. We will inform her parents as well."

Rei couldn't find anything to say, so she just let the nurse continue on with her job. When she was done, the blue haired girl had eight white dressings on her eight fingers. Only the fourth and fifth finger on her right hand remained undisturbed. Shinji picked up her hand and led her away before Rei stopped halfway. She turned towards the nurse.

"Thank you," she said. The nurse smiled at her and replied, "You're welcome."

Shinji had been holding her hand subconsciously during their walk back to the classroom. It had triggered a warm feeling inside her. Her cheeks felt hot, but she didn't understand why. This, coupled with thanking the nurse and receiving a kind reply, had made her feel something new. She had never felt this way until a week ago when she started to notice the little things Shinji had done for her.

The feeling evaporated when some students whistled at the pair when they noticed the two holding hands. Shinji immediately let go of her and grew red in the face. Rei felt as if something had been pulled away from her. She didn't like it.

The rest of the school went on uneventfully. Miaka and her friends were not seen again for the day. None of her classmates had questioned her about her fingers. Neither did they tease her about it. Hikari, like the nurse, had come and expressed her concern. She also told Rei that Miaka would be punished accordingly. Rei wasn't very interested in Miaka. Deep inside, she wanted the school to end quickly.

Finally, the bell rang, signalling the end of school for the day. Students rushed out into the corridors pushing each other along the way. Some of her classmates, including Asuka and Hikari, stayed behind to clean the classroom. Toji and Kensuke had left for their homes. The weather was too chilly outside, and the wind too strong for them to play basketball.

Rei put her belongings neatly into her bag before moving onto the rooftop. She had to meet Shinji there. When she reached the open space, Rei couldn't help but feel cold. The weather had not been the best that afternoon. Nevertheless, she sat down at a corner and waited patiently for Shinji to arrive.

It didn't take the boy very long. He spotted Rei easily and went over to sit by her side.

"Well, Ayanami, what is it you wish to tell me?" Shinji asked looking at her.

Rei sat there quietly. She had not prepared any question. All she knew was that she wanted to talk to Shinji. But exactly what did she want to know? Shinji waited patiently for her to speak. After a few silent minutes, Rei decided that she could start with simple questions.

"You rejected Miaka's invitation to her party. You also mentioned that you would go only if I were invited. Why?" She asked.

"Oh," Shinji was surprised at her question. He had not expected something like this. "I just felt that she was being very rude to you. The message she sent to the class was very insulting."

"You don't want to go because she was rude to me?"

"Yes," Shinji replied. "But don't worry. I've never enjoyed huge parties anyway."

Rei paused for a moment before continuing.

"That day, you came to me and offered me your umbrella. Why?"

"Oh that," Shinji was beginning to feel amused. "It was raining, and I didn't want you to get wet. I didn't know you didn't want my help."

"I could dry myself once I reached my apartment."

"But wouldn't it be better if you didn't get wet at all? You might catch a cold."

"You didn't want me to catch a cold?"

Shinji eyes widened at her question. "Of course I wouldn't want you to catch a cold."

Again, Rei paused for a moment before she continued.

"Was that the same reason why you lent me Asuka's dry uniform?" She asked.

"Y-yes, it was." Shinji replied.

"You interrupted Miaka when she tried to insult me. Why?"

"O-of course, that was the right thing to do!" Shinji replied.

"Why was it the right thing to do?" The girl asked again.

"Don't you feel bad when she did that?" Shinji asked back.

Rei paused for another moment, seemingly trying to digest the information Shinji had given her. So far Shinji's answers had been agreeable, but she still couldn't understand certain things. There was still something missing. She wanted a more complete explanation.

"You gave me Sohryu's sushi for lunch. Why?" Rei asked.

"You were hungry, and I didn't want you to feel hungry." Shinji was trying to make his answers sound as logical as possible. Admittedly, he was getting impatient with Rei's questions, but it wasn't often that Rei would show interest in anything. Still, he wished Rei would talk more about herself instead of asking him silly questions.

"You offered to give me a ride this morning. Why?" She asked again.

Shinji figured out that if he didn't give her a satisfactory answer, her questions might never end. He thought about it carefully while Rei sat beside him waiting patiently. Shinji finally answered after he had chosen his words carefully, "because I care about you."

"You care about me?" Rei asked.

"Yes, I want you to be happy. I want to be your friend." Shinji added, "Misato cares about you too. She drove you here, not me. And she has always told us to be kind to you."

Rei seemed to be having a hard time understanding, but there was a faint blush on her cheeks.

"As strange as it may sound, Asuka cares too. She rejected Miaka's invitation because of how she treated you." Shinji continued, "There are people who care for you, Ayanami. It saddened me when you got hurt just now. You should've called for help when Miaka had started hurting you."

"Call for help?" She asked.

"You do not deserve the pain, Ayanami. No one does. If you need help, just ask me or Misato. We'll be more than willing to assist you." Shinji finished his sentence smiling. He hoped that his carefully chosen words would make Rei understand and be more open to him.

Rei stared straight ahead for a long period of time. The last part of what Shinji had said had triggered another unknown feeling inside her. It felt strange and she didn't understand it.

"Are you and Sohryu dating?" She asked finally. Something inside her stomach made a turn. For some reasons, she felt anxious and yet afraid at what answer Shinji might give her. The boy just stared at her dumbfounded.

"A-Asuka and m-me? N-no, she was joking!" Shinji started talking bubbles again, but Rei felt relieved at his answer. She couldn't understand why. The heavy stone inside her was dropped. What did Shinji's private life have anything to do with her? Nevertheless, her lips curved upwards as she smiled softly. Shinji stopped stuttering as soon as he saw the sight.

But the peaceful moment was interrupted by a booming sound of a red head.

"BAKA SHINJI!!! What the hell are you doing here?" Asuka stormed towards them. "I've been looking all over the place for you! Are you coming home or not?!"

"All right I'm coming Asuka!" Shinji said as he stood up. "I've got to go, Ayanami."

Rei nodded her head.

"Here, take this." Shinji took off his jacket and handed it to Rei. "It's cold, and I don't want you to fall sick."

Rei received the white jacket from him. She gave it another thought for a moment before saying, "Because you care."

Shinji smiled, "Yes, because I care." Then he jogged off to join Asuka. Together they went down the stairs and disappeared from sight.

The clouds had become increasingly heavy. Thunder roared in the distant sky. It looked like it was going to rain soon. The school was now empty save for a few students. The sun had almost gone down the horizon, washing the city with a dull orange colour. Birds were flying back to their nests. The wind felt cold on her skin, but inside her heart was glowing with warmth.

Rei put on Shinji's jacket and slowly stood up. She then walked towards the NERV headquarters for her synch test, feeling better than she had that morning.

For the first time in weeks, Rei was able to clear her mind completely and as a result, her synch ratio improved. The test was over and done a lot quicker than usual. It wasn't long before she was given permission to leave.

Her talk with Shinji had been very rewarding. She now knew why Shinji had been doing things for her. It was because Shinji cared about her. He wanted to be her friend. The concept of a friend was still very new to her, but it had sounded agreeable. Rei wanted to be Shinji's friend too. She wanted to continue feeling the pleasant emotions when Shinji was close to her.

However, the talk had also raised a few new questions for Rei. She didn't understand why she had been so relieved when Shinji told her that he had not been dating Asuka. She also didn't understand why she had felt that way when Shinji had told her that she should ask for help whenever she needed it. The statement had stirred doubts within her. For the first time, there were doubts about the commander.

What if he had never cared for her? The way he acted towards her was very different from Shinji's caring way. What if the commander had been using her all along? What if she was never obligated to follow whatever orders he gave her? What if she chose to deny the commander? What would happen? What if the commander's nightly sessions with her was actually a betrayal of trust?

Rei found herself asking all these questions as she showered off the LCL fluid on her body. Unlike the stinging cold water in her apartment, the water in the headquarters felt comfortable. She took her time cleaning herself, taking care not to cause further harm to her already injured fingers. It had always been convenient to use showering time to reflect upon certain things in her life. The girl wondered why she was having such a hard time understanding her own feelings whereas teenagers of her own age didn't seem to have any difficulties at all.

Was it because she was not purely human? Was it because half of her DNA sequence was salvaged from Angels? Was that why she was incomplete? Was that the reason why she had difficulties understanding human emotions? But being a half-angel was not something she could choose not to be. It wasn't within the range of what she could do, but then why was she suddenly so curious about appreciating the emotions she felt within?

For the first time in her life, Rei questioned her own value. She had often questioned her own identity, but never her own value. Rei was the key to the ultimate human evolution. The girl knew that much, but if given the chance to choose, would she have preferred to stay as half-angel, or would she have chosen to be just a normal human who could understand the complexity of emotions?

The blue haired girl was now feeling breathless. It was all new to her. She rubbed her body with the soap furiously, causing her skin to flare up, but no matter how hard she tried, Rei still felt that her body was dirty. She had begun to hate the pale skin attached to her thin frame. The curves of her body had suddenly become irritating. The twinkle of fire had lit up once again inside her. She felt ashamed. She didn't want anyone to see her.

Rei hated herself. For the first time, her self-esteem was brought to her attention.

Her unusual outburst lasted for a few more minutes before she managed to calm down and return to her passive self. Rei washed off the soap carefully before stepping out of the shower. Just when she thought she finally understood some of her feelings, more questions appeared in her mind. It was frustrating, another new feeling.

She dressed into her school uniform quietly and walked out of the changing room into the corridors. The layout of the complex had long been ingrained in her mind. Rei had no trouble finding her way even to the most isolated area of this facility. She slowly made her way towards the main entrance door, hoping to get back to her bed as soon as she could.

"I told you. All the information had been written in the reports. You know as much as I do." The voice of a certain Dr Akagi stopped Rei in her tracks. She turned a corner and stood before a closed door. It was the only object blocking her from the doctor and the major, who were quarrelling on the other side of the door.

"Don't underestimate me, Ritsuko. I know you're hiding something from me." Misato said.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Ritsuko replied.

"You know what I'm talking about! First it had moved without power supply, and then you developed the dummy system without informing me, and now it ingested an S2 organ. What next?" Misato almost yelled. "What exactly are Nerv's intentions?"

"To defeat the Angels, it's as simple as that." The doctor answered.

"Don't take me as a fool, Ritsuko. The fact that those Angels only attack Tokyo-3 is no coincidence. You're hiding something. You have something that they want." Misato said. "Do not test my patience, Ritsuko."

"I assure you that I know nothing more than you do. If you have any further questions, go ask the commander." The blonde said coolly.

"Ritsuko!!!" Misato raised her voice, "Do you still consider me as your friend?"

"Does it matter?" Ritsuko asked back. There were footsteps walking towards the door. The doctor seemed to be about to leave the room.

"You know what the commander is like. He cares about nothing. You saw how he treats Shinji. He's using you Ritsuko! Take my advice, he's not worth it!" Misato said, her voice slightly trembling.

"Don't try to be smart Misato, if you know what's good for you." Ritsuko countered, "I'm only doing what must be done. He's the commander and I follow his orders. It is as simple as that."

"So you only follow orders? Do you think that's the right thing to do? What does your heart tell you, my friend?" Misato said with gritted teeth, disappointment evident in her voice.

Ritsuko gave no response until she stopped just in front of the door. "My heart tells me that if you keep on pursuing, you'll end up like the cat. He's in deep trouble, you know?"

The metal door slid open to reveal the blonde scientist. Rei's eyes met hers and for a few moments they just stood there staring at each other. Then the doctor turned her attention towards the corridor and walked away, seemingly unfazed by Rei's eavesdropping. Misato's face was flushed red and there were angry tears behind her eyes.

When the purple haired woman saw her, she quickly wiped her eyes and forced an exhausted smile. "Hello Rei."

"Hello Major," the quiet girl replied.

"You did well in the synch test," Misato patted Rei on her shoulder before she added, "keep it up." She then walked out of the room, but before she could disappear from sight, Rei caught up with her.

"Major, could I ask you a few questions?" She asked.

Misato was surprised. Rei seldom had questions for anyone. She was brought up by the commander and trained to be the perfect soldier. In spite of that, Misato had always thought that Rei was being misled, although she had never put any effort into helping the girl before. Misato bent down until she reached the same level of height as the quiet girl. "Yes, of course. What do you want to ask me?"

Once again, Rei struggled to find the right question. All she knew was that she was confused. She wanted help, and by following Shinji's advice, she had asked for assistance from the major, but what exactly did she want to know? Unable to find a solution, she finally decided to start with the conversation between the doctor and the major that she had overheard.

"Is the doctor truly being used?" She asked.

Misato's eyes widened and for a moment she couldn't find the right words. It was the last question she had expected from the First Child. Neither Shinji nor Asuka had ever asked something this bold before, and Misato couldn't help but feel proud of Rei's willingness to question the authority, although she was still unsure of the exact meaning behind the girl's words. She tried to come out with a plausible answer, but failed miserably.

"Rei, certain things are better left to the adults," Misato felt sorry for not answering her properly, but Rei had always been close to the commander, and she didn't want words to leak out to the man, "You should just concentrate on piloting."

The grown up lady was about to leave when Rei stopped her again.

"But major," She said, "I wish to know."

By then Misato was shocked beyond words, for she had believed that, as a living human being, Rei was the most hopeless out of the three pilots. She was still hesitating when Rei finally added.

"Misato," Rei continued, "I wish to understand," Her voice was soft and for once, her usual emotionless tone was replaced by a hopeful one.

The use of her name struck a cord within Misato. She still didn't want to tell Rei of her own personal feelings about the commander, but after listening to what Rei said, the major felt that the quiet girl deserved a better answer than what she had already given her.

"Rei, whether or not Ritsuko is being used, I'll leave that for you to decide on your own," Misato said as she bent down. "The important thing is what your heart tells you to do. Every person has their own will, but you have to discover it, and control it. Ritsuko, as far as I know, is not listening to her own feelings, and that is why her world is so empty."

Her words touched something sensitive inside Rei. The blue haired girl was still trying hard to process them when Misato decided to add, "Do you remember that last part I said to Ritsuko?"

Rei gave no response, but somehow Misato had the feeling that the girl understood. "It applies to everyone, Rei, not just Ritsuko." She said before leaving the First Child standing there alone in the corridor.

The walk back to her apartment felt a lot longer than it used to be. She had been deep in thought, but at the same time she was unusually aware of the surroundings. The sky was a black blanket hanging over the city; street lights cast long shadows on buildings and roads. Walking alone in the dark was never an enjoyable experience. The howling of stray dogs in the distance was the only noise breaking the silence. Rei felt a sudden need to look behind her back every once in a while.

Fear was the feeling she felt. The emotions deep inside her had begun to unlock themselves one by one…

By the time she reached inside her apartment, Rei was feeling breathless. She searched for the lock to the door, only to realise that it had been broken months ago. The interior of her residence was old and unfurnished, but the feelings inside her were new. Rei felt uncomfortable. They were threatening to overflow, and she hated changes. It brought uncertainties and suspicion.

She walked slowly over to the study table and picked up the green framed glasses of the commander. Although still recognisable, there were a few cracks, but there had been changes, Rei felt that the glasses no longer looked the same as they once did. The cracks felt less significant, and she had an overwhelming desire to see more cracks on it. She tried to tighten her grip, but the frame was too strong.

Or was her will too weak?

Shinji had told her how he felt about his father.

Shinji had also helped her and told her that she should trust the major.

The little things that Shinji had done for her…

What the major had said…

The commander cared for nothing…

The way he treated Shinji, someone who cared for her…

The way he treated the doctor, someone who despised her…

The way he treated Rei herself, the sessions suddenly felt sickening…

The way he mumbled the name of his late wife, the only one he loved…

Was he worth it? What was her purpose?

"The important thing is what your heart tells you to do. Every person has their own will, but you have to discover it, and control it. Ritsuko, as far as I know, is not listening to her own feelings, and that is why her world is so empty."

Voices…voices of the major…

"They are unnecessary. Concentrate on your purpose. Forget about the emotions. Just do as I say. Your day will come very soon."

Voices…voices of the commander…

"You do not deserve the pain, Ayanami. No one does. If you need help, just ask me or Misato. We'll be more than willing to assist you."

Voices…voices of Shinji…

Rei stared as droplets of fluid fell down, darkening the table wherever it touched. Her eyes stung with each hit and soon her vision was blurred. There was a stinging pain on her hands. They were squeezed tightly together. Blood was leaking out from the spaces between her fingers. She opened her palm. The glasses that had once belonged to the commander, was now in broken pieces.

She dropped its remaining to the floor and held out her hands, as tears fell freely onto them, mixing together with the blood on the ugly wounds. It gave a new definition of pain, both on the outside and on the inside.

'Am I…am I crying?' Rei thought to herself. 'What if…what if the commander was wrong…?'


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Falling asleep was never a challenge for Rei. Her monotonic lifestyle had trained her in performing efficiently even in very unremarkable tasks. Under any normal circumstances, she would just lay down on her bed, close her eyes and darkness would take over before she knew it. Not even cold weather gave her too much difficulty. Rei's experience with Eva had given her a high level of endurance despite her tiny frame.

But tonight was different.

The pale girl couldn't keep her eyes shut. Her body was stiff and rigid. The cold sweat had dampened the limp mattress. Her shirt felt heavy on her clammy skin. She was scared, but she didn't understand why. Rei kept her body as still as possible, seemingly afraid that even a single insignificant move would trigger changes that she didn't want to experience.

But by then, changes were already inevitable…

Her hand reached up to rub her eyes every so often, each time expecting to find tears flowing from her two red orbs. Never once did she feel the salty fluid again that night. The tears had dried up. Her eyes had become inflamed and painful from all the rubbings she was giving them. Rei tried hard not to cry, because it would mean changes. She hated changes.

But she had cried. Rei was changing and she knew it.

The girl didn't sleep at all that night. Each time she closed her eyes, she saw the commander standing there, towering over her with shadows. Rei felt scared. The room felt unusually empty and cold. She held on tightly to her pillow, pressing it against her chest. Something was missing, but she didn't understand. The girl had never felt this way before.

Hours passed by, and finally the warm orange light of sunrise flowed into her room. Rei stood up and walked onto the cold hard floor. As usual, she went into her washroom first and looked into the mirror. Her hair was untidy, but it felt soft and comfortable. Her eyes, on the other hand, looked inflamed and tired from the lack of rest.

Nevertheless, she completed her morning routine, which included cleaning herself, dressing into her uniform, eating breakfast and swallowing a pill. All was normal, but her heart was pounding restlessly inside her chest. Somehow, she felt that this wouldn't be a normal day.

Things were beginning to change.

The sun shone cheerfully in the sky. It was a nice change from the weather of the past few days. Rei had always liked the sun, but today she couldn't feel any warmth. Everything felt so cold. While she was walking quietly to her school, something seemed to be stirring inside her stomach. It was as if she was waiting for something to happen.

Something nice…like Ikari-kun…

Nevertheless, the major's car didn't manage to find her this morning, so she reached her school by foot. Rei half expected herself to be welcomed by another wave of gossip and teasing, but her schoolmates seemed relatively quiet today. However, she didn't miss the strange looks they were casting at her.

The girl couldn't concentrate in the class the entire day. Her mind kept flashing her images of the commander, and the fear inside her grew larger with each flash. Suddenly, she was silently wishing that she never had to see him again, although she was still having difficulty understanding the abrupt series of changes. Her thoughts were interrupted by a message popping up on her screen.

_Ayanami, are you alright?_

It was from Shinji. For reasons unknown to Rei, her heart became light as she saw his message, but she didn't know why Shinji was asking her such a question.

_Rei: Yes, I am fine._

_Shinji: Are you sure? If you need help, don't hesitate to ask me._

_Rei: Why are you asking me this?_

_Shinji: Well, I'm just concerned that you're crying._

His answer surprised Rei. The girl didn't know what was happening. Her shaky hand reached out to touch her face. Shinji was right, there were trails of tears. Why didn't she feel it? Why didn't she feel the tears? Why didn't she know she was crying? Uncertainties filled her chest as she started to feel scared again.

_Rei: Can we meet after school?_

_Shinji: Yes of course. Where should we meet?_

_Rei: In the library._

_Shinji: Alright, I'll see you there._

The rest of the class went on as usual, but Rei didn't even notice when school ended. She was too confused with her own feelings. Something terrible was happening. Rei could feel it, but she couldn't point out exactly what was wrong. It had something to do with the commander and how he was treating her.

She went straight to the library after the bell rang. There were a few studious students inside the building, but overall it was very quiet and was the ideal place to meet Shinji. Rei picked the corner furthest away from everyone else. The girl didn't feel comfortable with other people. She wanted herself to be isolated with the boy she was going to meet.

It didn't take long for Shinji to show up. He spotted the blue haired girl quickly and walked hastily towards her. Once the boy reached her, he picked a chair and sat down beside the girl. Shinji had a worried look on his face.

"Ayanami, what happened? Why were you crying?"

At first, Rei felt herself being warmed up. It was a pleasant feeling, to have the boy so close to her. She felt that, right then, Shinji was the only one she could trust, even though they hardly knew each other. Rei struggled to come out with an answer, and it took her nearly a whole minute before she decided to speak.

"Ikari-kun, something is happening to me, and I do not understand."

"What's wrong? What happened?"

Once again, Rei could find no suitable words to answer Shinji. She didn't even know what had triggered the unfamiliar feelings inside her. Some of them felt really nice, especially when Shinji was close to her, or talking to her; others felt horrifyingly disturbing, like the nights she had spent with the commander. The two children sat there in silence until Shinji suddenly spoke up in an even more concerned voice.

"Ayanami? Ayanami what's wrong? Tell me what happened? Why are you crying?"

Upon hearing him, Rei raised her hand to touch her face, and once again, there were trails of tears. Her red eyes stared at the fluid on her hand. The pale girl started to tremble.

"I do not understand, Ikari-kun. What is happening to me?" She sobbed.

"Did someone hurt you? Was it Miaka? Did she hurt you again?"

"No…it's not her…it's…" Rei couldn't finish her sentence, but deep inside her mind, she knew who it was. It was the commander. Before Shinji could say anything further, Rei added, "Ikari-kun, could you…could you stay here with me? I do not wish to be alone."

"O-Of course." Shinji replied, blinking several times.

Together, the two of them stayed there in silence. Rei had stopped crying after a while. She liked being so close to Shinji, and she began to wonder why she felt this way. Perhaps he was the only person who could make her feel being cared. Shinji was simply sitting quietly beside her. He kept his eyes fixed on the table. Rei did not mind. She felt assured, knowing that she wasn't alone, and that she had a friend in him.

None of them said another word, until the sun began to set. The library was closing, and it was time for them to leave. The boy stood up first.

"The library is closing, Ayanami. We have to go now."

The girl simply nodded her head, she was grateful that Shinji was willing to spend time with her. She followed him out of the building.

"How are you feeling?" Shinji asked.

"I feel much better now." Rei lied.

"That's good. Ayanami, I just want you to know that, I will always be here to help you, if you need any…"

"Thank you, Ikari-kun." With that, she did something which she had never done before, and her hand reached forward and touched Shinji's hand. The boy was slightly taken aback at first, but then he smiled and gave her hand a reassuring squeeze.

"I'll talk to you again tomorrow, Ayanami. Goodbye."

Rei watched as Shinji jogged off before disappearing into the horizon. The fear was still there, but it didn't feel as terrible as before anymore, for in Shinji, Rei had found someone who truly cared for her. Rei had finally found someone who she could call a friend.

The quiet girl turned and walked away in the opposite direction. Shinji said he would talk to her again the next day. It somehow calmed the waves of emotions inside her, and this time Rei believed she understood why. She had found something to look forward to.

The street lamps had lit up as the city night life begun. Shops were decorated with brilliant neon lights; cars were bustling on the roads. Rei passed by a garden where she saw a few couple strolling in the park, whispering and smiling to each other. Some teenagers were still playing football on the field. Rei didn't understand why she had come here instead of returning to her apartment.

Perhaps she was afraid of going back.

She chose a spot by the fountain and sat down, listening to the water splashing. Her hand reached out to touch the cool water. Rei found it relaxing, as she waved her hand back and forth inside the pool. It was then she heard a few familiar voices.

"Wow, I didn't know she actually took drugs."

"Yeah, her step father gave it to her. It was sick."

"I agree. The way he used the drug to force her into submission…that's just sick."

"I tell you, if I were the judge, I would order the man to be skinned alive."

"Aw stop that Asuka! The man got what he deserved. Justice was served. Let's not talk about it anymore."

Rei's ears perked at the mention of the crime. For some reasons, she found it very familiar. The blue haired girl wanted to know more, so she stood up and walked towards the other two girls.

"I swear, Hikari, all men are perverts."

"Well, not all of them…there are a few exceptions…"

"What are you-" Asuka stopped mid-sentence when she noticed Rei standing in front of her and her friend. So instead, she turned her attention towards the quiet girl and asked, "What are you doing here?"

"I wish to know more about it."

"About what?"

"The girl and her step father."

"Oh that," Hikari replied as she handed Rei a copy of newspaper, "Here, take this. You can read about the news on the front page."

Rei grabbed the newspaper and quickly started reading.

The headline spelt:_ Rapist Sentenced to Life in Jail_

It was spread across the front page, but Rei stopped reading as soon as she finished the first few lines. Her heart started pounding furiously as those few sentences replayed themselves over and over again inside her head. Sweats started to form. Her red eyes widened in shock and fear. Her hand quickly reached up and touched her cheeks to see if she was crying, but found that she wasn't.

"Disgusting, isn't it?" Hikari spoke when she saw Rei's reaction.

"May I have the newspaper?" Rei asked.

"Sure. I've finished reading it."

"Thank you." Rei said before walking away hastily, but she didn't miss what Asuka said from her back.

"You know, Hikari, that's the second time I've seen her acting weird this week. Either my eyes are playing tricks on me, or Wonder Girl is finally getting a life."

"Asuka that's rude!"

"What? What did I do?"

Their voices faded away as Rei exited the garden, the copy of the newspaper tightly gripped between her delicate fingers. She had a burning desire to understand herself. Changes were already inevitable. Rei knew this, and she wanted to reach a conclusion as soon as she could. The article had shown her a direction. What the commander had been doing to her was of the same nature.

The only thing she needed to decide was whether it was acceptable for it to happen again. She had little doubt of what her mind was telling her, that the commander was betraying her trust all this time, but she wanted more understanding of the matter, because her decision could bring changes to her life.

Days passed, followed by weeks. Things were beginning to become obvious. The world, from Rei's perspective, had altered. She sensed it everywhere. Rei was now more aware of her surroundings than she had ever been. When she breathed, she smelt the air; when she ate, she tasted the food. New interests began to surface and make their ways into her once simple life. As she learnt to comprehend why things were the way they were, or how things had been done the way they had, Rei started to dwell into historic and real stories to help her understand further, something which she had never been bothered with in the past. Nevertheless, she took the changes step by step, not allowing them to overwhelm her as they had done initially.

Although the experience proved to be attractive and rewarding in certain ways, it also inflicted more and more pain on her life. She was afraid of the dark, of the nights, and of what she expected to be hidden within. It was the commander. It was his orders and her obligations. The ability to feel had come with a heavy price, as more and more often, Rei found herself weeping in the darkness of her apartment.

Rei tried her best not to let her weakness show, especially to the commander and his son. She didn't want to lose what she had worked so hard to gain. In silence, she began to wonder if things would ever get better. Then again, she also wondered if she would be strong enough to take a chance when it arrived.

And arrived it did, two months after she had first learnt to appreciate Shinji's kind acts.

It was a breezy evening, with the sun comfortably veiled by the cloudy sky. School had just ended, and Rei was resting on the rooftop, reflecting on her life as she had done quite frequently in the past few weeks. She leaned against the metal rails, gazing at the horizon and bathing in the gentle caress of wind, paying no attention to the students buzzing below.

Suddenly, a voice broke her trance from behind.

"Hello," It was Shinji.

"Hello." She greeted in return, briefly nodding her head.

"We haven't spoken to each other lately, have we?"

"No…we haven't."

"So…how have you been?"

"The same as always," Rei answered. Oddly, it didn't come as a surprise when Shinji came to stand beside her, with only a few mere inches separating them.

"I suppose that's a good thing," He said, wearing a small smile on his face.

"That would depend on how you see it."

Her reply was followed by a lengthy silence. Neither of them spoke another word, and yet there wasn't any tension. Rei sighed. It was very subtle, but Shinji caught it.

"Is there something on your mind?" He asked.

"Ikari, do you believe in fate?"

"Why are you asking?" The boy sounded slightly surprised.

"I just want to understand."

"Oh…well…I don't know…," Shinji said, "But I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my own life."

Rei turned to face him, "Why is that so?"

"I don't know…" He shrugged, "Maybe something to do with free will…or…maybe not…Sorry, that was probably a lousy answer to your question."

Rei nodded, but she continued, "To you, piloting has always been a heavy burden, hasn't it?"

At this, the boy laughed softly, "I guess I'm not as strong as either you or Asuka."

"You were given a choice when the 14th Angel attacked," Rei said, returning her gaze to the horizon, "The commander gave you permission to leave, which you did, only to return immediately after. Was it fate, or did you make a decision to come back yourself?"

"It was a decision I made," Shinji replied, the pleasant smile on his face replaced by a serious, though gloomy expression, "A selfish one, but one that I made myself."

"Then I guess my next question is, if piloting was so painful, why have you chosen to return when you could've walked away so easily?"

"Because seeing the ones I care about fall down one by one was even more painful…" His eyes became wet and his voice trembled, as if he was reliving the horrible experience, "Like I said, it was a selfish decision."

Rei had not expected such an answer. For reasons unknown, it pained her seeing him like this. She wanted to offer comfort, like he had done for her so many times before, but she was unsure how. In the end, she only managed a warm smile, though it seemed to have worked when she saw him smiling back.

"A selfish decision it may be, but a brave one it remains." The girl added, "I admire you, Ikari, for I do not know if I could've done that myself."

"What do you mean? Of course you could!"

Rei tried hard not to let her sadness show, but she didn't succeed, "I am…perhaps not as resolved as you may think."

"I'm glad." Once again, Shinji's reply came as a surprise to her, and even more so when he took her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. Her cheeks went pink.

"You are?" She asked.

"Yeah…someone once told me a long time ago, that you would only willingly show your weaknesses to someone you really trust," He said, looking straight at her, "I guess…I guess I'm just happy that we can be like this…talking to each other comfortably."

"So am I…" Rei replied, her smile returned but then faded instantly, "But I'm afraid it might not last forever."

If Shinji had any doubts about her last comment, he certainly did not let it show. In any case, Rei gave him no chance to ask any further questions, for she did not want to answer them. She quickly slipped her hand off Shinji's and walked away, afraid that she would lose control of her emotions if she stayed any longer. Rei never looked back as she left the rooftop.

The following morning was a gloomy one, with the sky heavily blanketed by dark, greyish clouds. It was already nine when she woke up, but to Rei it felt more like early dawn. The chilly wind made its way through her windows, making the curtains rise and fall to an unnerving rhythm. Thunder could be heard in the distance. It would probably start raining soon, but days like this were no longer foreign to the city. Storms had become frequent. The final days were approaching…

Rei lay on her bed, contemplating what Shinji had told her the previous day. Fate, so it seemed, was simply another word equivalent to choice. It was the source of excuses, the reason for illogical beliefs, or in her case, a delusion to those who had been misled. Her brows furrowed. Could she steer the course of her life, or was she destined only for the purpose the commander had told her? It wasn't a difficult choice, not after what she had gone through.

She walked to the study table, her eyes fixed on the empty bottle that once stored her medicine. For a moment, she wanted to smash it onto the wall, break it into pieces and vent the anger she was feeling inside. For another, there was fear within her, of what the commander would do if he found out how she had changed. His abusive actions had made her both hate and fear him, and she hated this weak side of hers.

It was then her thoughts were broken off by a piercing alarm. Her heart pounded as the inflaming red alert sounded through the city. The fifteenth Angel had finally arrived.

Rei left her apartment immediately. A black car was already waiting for her at the foot of the building. She hesitated, an image of the commander flashing through her mind when she saw the NERV agents, but they quickly took her into the car and sped off to the NERV complex.

It was the first attack in months, but NERV employees were well-trained. When she arrived, the command centre was already in battle mode. There were a few technicians still running around, preparing for the launch, but none was panicking. They all looked ready, but as Rei had learnt from past experience, good preparation alone was often not enough to guarantee smooth operation when facing the Angels.

"The Angel is orbiting at a fixed point," Misato spoke in the briefing, "At the moment we cannot be sure if it is capable of landing, nor can we be certain of its means of attack. Unit-00 and Unit-02 will be equipped with electric powered launchers and sniper rifles."

"What about Shinji?" Asuka cut in.

"The commander has decided that, at this point, Unit-01 is not ready for combat yet."

"Lucky you," Asuka sneered at Shinji, "Looks like you get to relax while we work our socks off. Not that I care, mind you."

Like Rei, the boy wore no expression on his face. Misato spared them a look, before she continued, "Nevertheless, Shinji, you will need to be ready as well." She then turned to Asuka and Rei, "Now go get inside your Evas. Both of you are to remain in an observing state until I give further orders."

And with that, the three pilots were left to proceed to the hangars. Since the command crew did not intend to launch Unit-01, Shinji had to take a different route from his fellow pilots. He took a separate lift, thus leaving Rei and Asuka having to share the remaining elevator.

The two girls stood side by side. No words were exchanged, but Rei, despite trying to stay focused, couldn't help but notice the uncharacteristically rigid expression on Asuka's face as she struggled to maintain a calm exterior. It seemed that the confidence of the Second Child's early career was no longer present. She was no longer excited by the prospect of facing Angels. Instead, Asuka appeared nervous and perhaps even scared, with sweat running down her sideburns as she helplessly tried to keep her hands from trembling.

Rei briefly recalled how Asuka had sided with her when she was being bullied, so she decided that she had the obligation to return the favour. After some quick contemplation, she finally reached the conclusion that perhaps some form of reassurance would help the Second Child feel better.

"Your Eva will move if you keep your mind open," She opened the conversation.

To her surprise, Asuka looked quite offended, "What do you mean? Are you saying that my mind is closed?"

"Yes, there is a mind inside Eva."

"So you're telling me that they can actually think? Can there be anything more ridiculous?" The Second Child began to laugh hysterically, though her laughter sounded forced and Rei understood that she was trying to mask her uncertainties.

"You're supposed to know that."

"And this coming from you? I wonder what next?" Asuka replied with a sarcastic tone, "Snow tomorrow?"

Rei kept quiet. Her kind attempt had ended in failure, and she could see no reason why she should continue the dialogue. However, her red haired colleague seemed to be even more incensed by her choosing not to say anything.

"What?" She raised her voice, "Does it make you happy that I can't pilot Eva? Hah! So now not only Shinji, but the mechanical puppet also feels sorry for me…I'm really turning out dull, eh?"

Rei drew her eyebrows together. So it seemed that Shinji had also spoken to Asuka about the same thing, and apparently it hadn't worked either. Nevertheless, that wasn't her main concern. Her main concern would be the insult Asuka had just thrown at her.

"I am not a puppet." She replied indifferently, despite anger already flaring inside her chest.

"Shut up!" The Second Child screamed, "You only do what people tell you to do and if the commander told you to go kill yourself, you'd probably do it too!"

And then it snapped. What Asuka said might have been true a long time ago, but Rei had experienced some radical changes ever since. She shot Asuka a glare, which the Second Child returned with equal ferocity. Both stood silent for a few tense seconds before Rei finally managed to recompose herself, "As I said, I am not a puppet."

Asuka drew a sharp breath, her eyes widened and her nostrils flaring. She raised her hand, ready to strike hard, but stopped when Rei refused to back down. They then remained there in a silent stalemate, with one hesitating and the other standing defiantly.

Soon afterwards, a bell was heard and the door to the elevator opened. Rei was the first to step outside, leaving Asuka trailing behind. Neither spoke another word, nor did they spare each other another glance. They parted ways shortly after that, with Rei proceeding to her Eva and Asuka to hers. Once they were ready, the Evas were launched to the surface without any further delay.

As Rei had expected, it was already raining heavily outside, a bad omen to the superstitious. To add to the anxiety, this would be the first time she went into combat under such weather. Rei tried to stay calm, but she remembered how she was so easily defeated by the previous two Angels. The fifteenth Angel was unlikely to be any easier, and to make things worse, Unit-01 was not with them this time around.

"Alright, Rei, pick up the launcher. You will be engaging the enemy directly," Misato could be heard speaking from the radio, "Asuka, take the sniper rifle. Unit-02 will act as back up."

"What? Is this a joke? Me acting as backup to her?" Asuka was heard shouting angrily, "I'm not here to fool around! Unit-02 will engage in a direct assault!"

"Asuka, this is an order!"

"I'm not listening!"

"Asuka! Asuka? Asuka what are you doing? Respond immediately!"

"She cut off the radio, major," Rei heard one of the technicians speak.

"Damn it…"

"Nevermind…just let her be…" This time, it was the distasteful, yet familiar voice of Doctor Akagi.

"What? She could get killed out there!"

"I know, but her synch rate has been dropping, and I believe only a victory can pull her back."

"Aren't you worried about her safety at all?" The major asked in disbelief.

"She wouldn't have wanted to live if she couldn't pilot," Came the cold reply.

Before Rei could listen any further, her radio connection was also severed. The girl felt dismayed, for she found herself impressed by Misato's caring attitude and she wanted to hear more from her. Nevertheless, she shook it off and returned her attention to the Angel. By then, Asuka had taken the launcher. The Second Child stood ready at her post in the middle of the city. Rei chose a spot near the outskirt. She aimed her sniper at the orbiting Angel and observed.

The fifteenth Angel was a circulating blue light with numerous wings. Its core seemed to be veiled, but Rei was convinced that it was located somewhere in the middle, where the wings crossed and the light appeared brightest. She pointed her sniper at the spot, having decided that it was where she should fire if her fellow pilot failed.

Suddenly, without warning, a beam of light was emitted from the Angel. It struck Unit-02 directly, which immediately spiralled out of control. The Eva fired a few blank shots into the sky, before dropping the launcher and clutching its head as if in severe pain. Its body twisted and turned violently, radiating a dreaded horror and totally defenceless against the invasion.

Rei did not wait for the orders to initiate attack. She pulled the trigger, sending a ray of laser towards the Angel. The targeting had been perfect, as it duly connected with the enemy. However, it was not powerful enough to penetrate the AT-Field, and the laser became a wasted shot when it was effortlessly deflected off to another direction.

Not willing to succumb so easily, Rei reloaded her sniper, and was about to fire another shot when her radio reconnected and she heard the commander's voice.

"Rei, conventional weapons will not work. The Lance is our only option. Go and retrieve it. You have my permission."

Rei nodded, but gave no verbal response. She put away the sniper and set off for Terminal Dogma.

It didn't take her long to locate Lilith and recover the Lance of Longinuss. The white Angel was still being kept firmly nailed to a gigantic red cross, but Rei didn't miss the rapid emergence of its legs when she pulled the Lance from its body.

When Rei returned to the surface, Unit-02 was already silent, with its head awkwardly hung and its limbs flaccid. Asuka never left the spot. Her Eva was still showered in the light coming from the Angel, as if in glorious defeat.

Rei took a careful aim at the Angel, and then with full force, she speared the Lance towards her enemy. It pierced through the core, and the fifteenth Angel was left spiralling into nothingness. Silence followed. Then came the announcement from the technician that the Angel was dead, and the operation successful.

The city had become silent.

The clouds had cleared, and the rain stopped.

Both Unit-00 and Unit-02 were safely brought back to the hangars after the battle. There had been no physical damage done, and even Tokoy-3 was left unscathed, but instead of celebrating, the mood inside the NERV complex was a depressing one. Rei could already sense it once she stepped out of her Eva and saw the gloomy look on the technicians' faces.

However, she paid no heed. The girl proceeded to the showers and cleaned herself. Then, she set off to find Shinji. Rei didn't know why she wanted to find him. To her, it just seemed the natural thing to do.

She checked Central Dogma to see if Shinji was there, only to find that Misato had cancelled the post-operation briefing.

"Do you know where I can find Ikari?" Rei asked.

"Why? Is something wrong? Maybe I can help." Misato said. Rei didn't miss the look on her face. Apparently, the major was trying to hide something from her.

"No, it is alright." Rei replied, turning away. There was no point in forcing Misato. If the major didn't want to tell her, she would just have to find Shinji herself. Rei was about to leave when Misato stopped her.

"I don't feel that I should be telling you this, but you know the hill beside the entrance? The one overlooking the lake?"

Rei nodded.

"You may be able to find him there, but I wouldn't go there if I were you."

"Why is that so?"

"I think he just needs some time alone…with Asuka…but hey, you don't have to follow what I said. It's not an order."

"I know," Rei nodded again, "Thank you, major."

With that, she left the command centre, her mind struggling to make a decision as she proceeded to the front gate. Rei took the major's words into careful consideration. On one hand, she desired to be with Shinji; on the other, what Misato said was right. Asuka probably needed him more than her. Besides, as Rei figured, she wouldn't be able to speak freely with Shinji if the Second Child was present.

It wasn't the first time her feelings and logic had clashed, but this time, Rei found herself choosing the later of the two. The right choice was often the difficult one.

She decided to return home after that. On her way back, she cast a quick glance at the hill Misato had talked about, and briefly wondered what Shinji and Asuka were doing up there. A bitter taste made its way into her heart. Rei clutched her chest, absorbing the dull sensation. Deep inside, she began to understand why she had grown so attached to Shinji. Rei had to fight hard to suppress it, for she knew fully well…

…the feeling was a forbidden one…

However, once she reached her apartment, Rei could think of nothing else. She found herself unusually exhausted, and her uniform was soon damp with cold sweat. Feeling ill, Rei went to her bed and lay down. She forced her eyes shut. There, the girl remained still for hours.

The afternoon passed without her knowing. It wasn't till the evening that she was woke up by her cell phone ringing. Rei picked it up.

"Hello. Ayanami speaking."

"Hello Ayanami," A familiar voice spoke. "It's Shinji here. Misato said you were looking for me. Is that true?"

"Yes," Rei replied, somehow feeling flattered that Shinji was considerate enough to call her.

"Oh…so…is there anything I can help with?"

"No, everything is fine," She said, sitting back on her bed, "I just…felt like speaking to you…"

"I see… I… I don't think I can talk for too long though…" The boy sounded guilty, "…Sorry…"

"It's alright. I understand." Rei nodded, even though she knew Shinji couldn't see her, "How is she doing?"

This was followed by a brief silence. Rei could hear herself breathing as she waited patiently for a reply. It came a few seconds later.

"…She is…very upset…"

"You must go to her then."

"I will."

Despite herself, Rei felt saddened that Shinji wanted to return to Asuka. Then again, she only had herself to blame, for although Shinji had previously advised her to call for help whenever she needed them, Rei had never worked up the courage to reveal the dark secret that had plagued her for so long.

"…Your father will be coming for dinner tonight…I thought you might want to know that too…" It was already too late when Rei realised what she had just said. She hadn't intended to word it that way. Shinji's tone changed immediately afterwards.

"Oh…have fun then…" He said, trying to sound indifferent but failing, "Goodbye…"

"…Goodbye…"

It was all Rei could say, her tears already forming, and her heart deeply pierced by the boy's ironic reply. The phone clicked. All was silent once more.

As anticipated, the commander arrived a short while later. Rei could find no strength to reject him. Lusty breaths filled the room once more. The air was treachery. No one could hear her sorrow, nor feel her pain, nor lift the shadows that clouded her eyes. The cold, hard walls veiled her crying whispers deep into the night.

He left as soon as he was done, leaving a new bottle on the table without saying another word.Rei found herself laying on the bed, naked, alone, her eyes inflamed, her body beaten, and her dignity bruised. Why had she suddenly felt so humiliated? After all, it was just another session, and there had been many of those before this. Why?

Had she fallen in love?

Yet love would only bring more suffering. It could not save her from him. Only one person could…the person who made her medicine…

Her only way of escaping…

She would have to confront the doctor…

Try as she might, Rei could not hold back the tears. No longer was the crystal fluid innocent, for she understood and still let it happen. Rei rubbed her eyes dry. The right choice…so it seemed…was often the difficult one…

* * *

Author's note:

Well, I guess most of you pretty much know where this is going. It has been nearly a year since I last update this fic. I got some pretty heavy, but truthful criticisms along the way. It seems that this series is one which you either hate or love. Anyway, for those who don't already know, this fic was started because I wasn't happy with red tears and wanted to remedy the OOCness. So far I think I've done ok, but having spoken to the pre-reader, I realise a bigger problem is emerging. It seems that the stories are diverging.

I'll see what I can do to tackle that. You'll probably see two, or at the most three chapters before the end. Special thanks to brindani for pre-reading.


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